Wind-Up

“I don’t know how to start this,” he said. I wanted to help him, but I couldn't.




I have no clue what’s been going on his mind for months now. All we've had were dry exchanges of hi’s and hello’s. But on that day, I know the words he’ll be uttering in a few minutes. I've heard them before. I've uttered them before. I remember the way it will feel but I can never be prepared for it. I couldn’t help him.




“I met someone else.”




I laughed. He must be kidding. I hope.




I instinctively looked around for cameras, caught glimpse of the people around us. Everything seemed normal sans his flushed face. I felt sick on the inside as I begged for it to be a bad joke.




The details of what happened next, now forever etched on my memory. How his hands shook as he went on with his story. How it seemed like hours being on that table with him. How my self-worth dissolved in front of a person I no longer knew.




I had a feeling we could have been just biding our time but no one told me it could be over too soon. That in every crank of the years and the gears and the tears, a screw or two will get loose.




I should have known.

Hit me with your best shot

I was 19 when someone said he liked me. I wasn’t really sure what that meant. I know I’m ugly, I’m awkward, I don’t have cool friends. I’m not one of the boys who get entangled in the scandalous, repressed, messy, and romantic gay dating scene in college. I’m not even a wallflower. Wallflowers attend parties. I’m not even invited to any.

I was so used to hearing how two guys met, dated, hooked up, became official, broke up, and became bitter to each other, eventually. It was an exciting world for good looking guys. I do not belong in that circle. I’m just a bystander.

Hearing someone say that he liked me got me all confused. I mean, what kind of prank is he playing? No one will ever love me. No one CAN ever love me. Somehow in my heart of hearts I understood I’ll grow old alone. And die alone. And I was busy preparing for that moment.

But I didn’t care if his words confused me. For the first time in my life, I’ve become a normal person. I am not THAT ugly, perhaps. Probably even with all my flaws, I can be loved? Is that even possible? I didn’t really care anymore.

Someone said he liked me. Wow.

Seven years from then, saying things have changed is an understatement. EVERYTHING has changed. I am more confident now and I’ve learned that things happen in due time. I know now that I can be loved even with all the shit that I have from time to time. More importantly, I have learned how to love in return.

I understand now that love is sometimes fuelled by too much fiery passion, but as soon as the flames start to mellow, it’s up to the two of you to work things out, enliven the dying ember. That love can say good bye as swiftly as it said hello. That love is too fragile and pure that it should not be dragged in dirt. That love can bring out the best in you. That love can destroy your very being. That love is simply not enough.

Although I live in a different world now, I have to say that the most important things I hold dearly in my heart remained constant. They have kept me sane when the winds are rough and the ground is crumbling from underneath.

In the years to come, I know I’ll learn more from life. I’ll love more, hurt more, bleed more, laugh more, and trust more. I welcome everything. With my head held high.

So life, hit me with your best shot.

Goodbye, my prince

It's been more than three months since we broke up, and although I do not subscribe to that 3-month rule shit, I think it has given us enough time to think - enough time to contemplate about what we need and what we merely want, what we can't live with anymore and what we can't live without. What makes us happy. No more breathing underwater. At least for me, I can stop holding my breath.

But I can't say I've completely healed. I understand that there will still be days that I'll go through quite a number of cycles of hatred, longing, sadness. It will take more months. Years, even. But I hope not.

The scars you left will forever be there, reminders of forced emotional maturity. I know I'll thank you one day for this, but I only have indifference for you today.

Please give me space to breathe, to grow, to move on. I don't need you checking up on me to know how I'm doing. It's just confusing me, making me hate you even more. I don't need to know that you're here, that you are glad to accidentally see me. I can't welcome you with open arms yet. Give me time.

I have no idea how you are doing. I already blocked you in any social media account imaginable. I can only wish you are doing well.

Goodbye, my prince. You gave me unforgettable moments in my life. I will not bury the memories we shared - they will be forever treasured. But I need to make new ones, this time without you.

I don't need a new prince anytime soon, I'd only hurt them. I will just be unfair to them. I'm a big boy now. I can stand on my own two feet planted firmly on the ground. I don't need anyone to sweep me off my feet.

Goodbye, my prince.

Good bye, Dad.

How to reply to an ex

Bearing a wounded heart (and ego) after a breakup is one of the worst tragedies a human being is ever entitled to experience in his lifetime. And inevitably, there will be an instance wherein the erring ex-partner will try to check up on you that will make the pain worse. They might try to continue the communication through text/pm/dm/email/comments. See sample below:

"Hi. Kamusta? Feel better? Just want to check how you are coping."

Yes, dear. It does really hurt. Just merely seeing his name on your phone will put you through another whirlwind of pain and confusion. But ultimately, your reply or an absence of a reply depends on what image you want to portray. Below are options on how to reply to your ex's message based on how you want to be portrayed.


Bitter: I was doing well until you texted.

Super Bitter: Hu u

Squatter: Tangina mo! Kapal ng mukha mo!

Poised: Oddly enough, I'm coping like a pro but I don't know what to make of your text.

Kinda Honest: I've had better days. I've had worse, too. And you?

Unaffected: I'm having sex as of the moment. Will send a lengthy reply after washing my hands.

Dying Inside: Hi! I'm doing well. How are you? :)

In Denial: Mahal na mahal pa din kita. How do I unlove you? :'(

Smart Bitch: *deletes text message*


Note: Thanks to my BFF for the idea and her options.

Temporary blog while I'm still grieving. Er, bitter.

http://mymovingonstory.blogspot.com/2014/01/enter-drama.html

Goodbye for now

Too many memories in this blog. I will write again, but not here.

I promise to be back. To be what I was before, if not better. But not today. Please give me time.

For now, every word, every promise, and every song reels me back to the days when I still knew him. The days when I knew we'll be together till the end.

It's all but a memory now.

And it's killing me.

I know I'll get through this. But not today. Please give me time.

As for him, i realize now that it really is the end. Just that one word I read from him today stabs me again. And again. And again.

How can you be so unkind?

I know I'll forget him. Every word, every promise, every song. All our memories. But not today. Please give me time.

So I can be happy again, goodbye for now.

Hey you

"I'm not ashamed to admit
I really hurt inside
After all these are my feelings,
Why should I make them hide?

But I won't hold you back,
There'll be no pulling on your sleeve
Just let me down easy,
And go softly when you leave."

posted from Bloggeroid

Test

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello?

Tao po.

Just checking kung buhay pa ang blog ko.

#char

My Holy Week Vacation

Office work plus job-hunting and all its drama drained all energy and creative juice in me in the past months. I became the employee who’s waiting for play slips to arrive so he can pay his bills. I lost all motivation and consciously failed to meet my deadlines. But that’s another story. It is good then that summer has arrived to save me from all the negative vibes surrounding me in the office.

Travelling on a shoestring budget is nothing alien to me and that’s mostly the theme of my vacation this summer: making the most of the peso you have. It starts with looking for airline promos early on, buying summer clothes that can be “recycled”, having friends with you so costs can be divided, and buying only what’s necessary.

The itinerary this Holy Week Vacation is CDO-Camiguin-Davao, but we skipped staying in CDO since actual swimming and excessive adrenaline rush due to rafting is not my forte #excuses. Two days in Camiguin and the remainder of the holiday in Davao City is the new gameplan.

Camiguin Island

More than the usual tourist destination, the smallest province in Northern Mindanao boasts of multiple swimming locations and historical spots. People who are used to the hustle and bustle of Puerto Galera and Boracay must know that Camiguin is not a party place. The island has a soul. There will be moments when one feels the island is alive and it draws everyone to its beauty. Mystical spots like the Katibawasan Falls, Sunken Cemetery, and Guiob Church Ruins are must-see places for people who want to have a first-hand experience of the mystery in Camiguin.

Tourist Spots:

1.     Katibawasan Falls

2.     Ardent Hibok-Hibok Spring Resort

3.     White Island

4.     Sunken Cemetery

5.     Guiob Church Ruins

6.     Sto. Nino Cold Springs

I wasn’t able to try much of the delicacies in the island except of course the ever-famous Pastel. Most department stores in Metro Manila sell this crème-filled bun but it’s a different feeling to eat it oven-fresh. Kiping, similar to a taco shell but made from ground cassava then drizzled with a sweet sauce, is a staple in most tourist spots. Everyone should try this. Another sweet treat for tourists is the ginanggang. It is similar to the banana fritter but the ripe banana is put over charcoal flames until slightly toasted. And while on the White Island, one should try the tuyom or the sea urchin. Too bad for me, I’m allergic to seafood.

Delicacies:

1.     Kiping

2.     Ginanggang

3.     Tuyom (Sea Urchin)

*Davao chronicle in the coming post

You and I

YOU AND I
Eddie Rabbitt and Crystal Gayle

 
Just you and I
Sharing our love together
And I know in time
We'll build the dreams we treasure
And we'll be all right, just you and I
Just you and I
Sharing our love together
And I know in time
We'll build the dreams we treasure
We'll be all right, just you and I

And I remember our first embrace
That smile that was on your face
The promises that we made
And now, your love is my reward
And I love you even more
Than I ever did before

Just you and I
We care and trust each other
With you in my life
They'll never be another
We'll be all right, just you and I

And I remember our first embrace
That smile that was on your face
The promises that we made
And now, your love is my reward
And I love you even more
Than I ever did before

We made it, you and I

Sadness is a passive emotion

Sadness is a passive emotion. It comes out of nowhere and slithers through your system on a fine December day, piercing and abrupt. It covers you like a blanket until it’s too late to escape its grasp. You will try to resist, find a distraction to consume your thoughts. However, your efforts will all be in vain. Everything you do, watching TV, filing office documents, taking a morning bath, will be tainted with a grim poison and you can’t do anything but to give in to it. Falling in the trap of sadness is such an easy task.

On the other hand, happiness is a conscious effort, a deliberate attempt. One cannot be happy and not know it, or will for it to happen. It is not served in a platter. It is yearned for, worked hard for, prayed for, waited for, and thanked hard for.


Tonight, sadness is a foreign concept. I will be happy because I found happiness in you.


I love you, Dad.

C for Mom

i.

It was a hot and lazy afternoon right after my schedule as a BPO slave in one of those call centers in Alabang. I was too tired to speak. Too tired to eat. Too tired to sleep. But never too tired to flip over that stack of porn under the bed sheets. I was about to do what boys do when I heard footsteps outside my room and someone rushed inside.

It was mom.

She was crying.

She said something about the result of her biopsy.

She told me she had Stage 3 Breast Cancer.


ii.

We’re having trouble with our finances it seems but help, even the financial kind, kept pouring in. My parents never made us feel we’re living from pay check to pay check. However, I know I can’t just quit my job because I have to help with my younger brother’s school expenses.

Mom and dad were discussing their plans for mom’s immediate mastectomy and chemotherapy. They were listing down options for the hospitals and the cost implications. UP-PGH is on their list. Overhearing this, I pointed out that UP-PGH is the best option and it would help us if we won’t be spending too much for her medical bills.

She said, “Matitiis nyo bang nasa PGH ako? Hindi ba kayo naawa sa ‘kin?”

iii.

Mom wants to have her hair permed so she can keep it a bit longer while she’s on chemo. She had her locks kept long since I was in high school. I even bought the perming solution and the hair clips that day.

Minutes after the perming, I saw her on the verge of tears. “Akala ko, magdidikit-dikit ang buhok ko. Lalo pala natanggal.”

I called up a former professor and borrowed her wig she used when she was undergoing chemo. Mom used it for a number of months.

iv.

It’s been more than three years since she’s been diagnosed with breast cancer. Just two more years, she’ll be called a survivor.

I love my mom, very, very much. I might not be the best son she can ever have but God knows that in every dream I dream, my family is always there.

Happy Halloween!

Sira si azi, ang aking lappy. Am not in the mood to write. I feel guilty for not being able to update my blog these past few days. Got really, REALLY busy with work. And get-togethers with friends. 


But since Halloween is my favorite holiday, I will relish this occasion with a smile and a whole lot of lard on my face.


Happy Halloween, everyone! Let the witching hour begin!

You are the reason why...

You are the reason why...





THE REASON WHY
John Farnham

What did I do

Before the day I set my eyes on you?

Spending my time

Just working at the things I had to do

And then I saw your face

I was captured heart and soul

You gave me so much more

You're the reason why

I listen in the night

And steal the softest kisses

While you sleep

You're the reason why

Tears will fill my eyes

Just looking at a photograph

Of you

Touching my frown

Tell me what you read between the lines

Every thing's alright

I know sometimes I act a little strange

You bring me so much joy

Conversations make me smile

How could I love you more?

You're the reason why

I speak with foolish pride

Whenever there's a chance

To show you 'round

And you're the reason why

I lost this heart of mine

At the very moment

You arrived

And I can't believe this life

Was ever lonely

No, I can't imagine life

Before you

You're the reason why

I'm holding on so tight

I never want to let

This feeling go

And you're the reason why

My love will never die

My heart just could not sing

If not for you

What did I do

Before the day I set my eyes on you?

You won’t find Love in Malate

You won’t find Love in Malate, or in any place that reeks of sex, booze, and dark spot concealers. He won’t be leaning against the wall in his usual nonchalant self, looking at you with warmth and yearning. He won’t give you scotch on the rocks and won’t utter the wittiest of pickup lines. He’s not gonna be there to take your hand and whisk you away from the dance floor. He won’t give you the most consuming of caresses. He won’t have his car to take you to his pad.

He does not exist here.

Alas, as the wizened and wise would put it, you will find Love when you least expect it. When you’re not looking, not aware, not guarded. You will find him on a bus ride to Philcoa on a rainy Friday night. He’ll be that friend you’ve known since God-knows-when. He’s the guy that makes your morning coffee a celebration. You may even have just read his life online and be fascinated by it.

You will question his validity thinking that he could be just another one of your fruitless conquests, someone you can spend your excess while with. However, little by little, you will realize that the pieces fit together as if on a puzzle. A common interest, a common friend, a common habit, a common principle in life.


You found him.


And after finding him, for sure you will, thank the Universe for making a conspiracy of epic proportions. Love him more than he’ll ever know.

Dear SG bloggers

Dear SG peeps/bloggers:


May alam kayong room for rent near beach road?


Thanks,


Nox

Thank you Daddy :)

Love you! Matulog ka maaga today. Baka umatake na naman migraine mo...


I'll hug Teddy for tonight. Maha-hug mo din sya this November.


And thank you for this. Mwah!

Happy Second Monthsary!

Dad, eto yung sinasabi kong nakakamatay sa cute. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! :))

Happy 2nd (sa 30)! I love you!

Ang Paghihiwalay



Unti-unting ibinaba ni Ronald ang tasa ng kape na kanina pa tangan-tangan at pagkatapos ay inilapag sa bangkong kinauupuan. Kanina pa ito walang laman ngunit tila nasanay na ang kanyang palad na may hawak na inumin.


Napatingin sya sa silid. Napakaraming kalat na kailangang ligpitin. Mayroong mga plastik ng pinagkainan at patong-patong na plato at mga kubiyertos sa mesa. Ang mga pinagbalatan ng kendi ay nagkalat din sa sahig. Kahit ang mga upos ng sigarilyo ay kung saan-saan nakasiksik. Mayroon sa ilalim ng mga bangko, sa ibabaw ng mesa, at kahit na sa ibabaw mismo ng mga bangko.


Tumayo si Ronald at nag-inat ng katawan. Ilang oras na rin pala syang nakaupo sa ganung posisyon habang nakatitig sa kawalan. Masakit na ang kanyang likod sa pag-upo sa bangkong walang sandalan. Ang kanyang balikat ay namimintig na rin.


Nang maramdamang bumalik na sa ayos ang sirkulasyon ng dugo sa kanyang katawan, siya ay naglakad palabas ng silid para silipin ang kalsada.


Malamig.


Madilim.


Walang tao.


Tinignan ni Ronald ang kanyang relo at siya ay napabuntong-hininga. Ito ang pinaka-ayaw nyang oras nitong mga nakalipas na araw. Makalagpas ng alas dos ng madaling araw, alam nyang mag-isa na naman sya. Uuwi na ang mga kamag-anak at mga kaibigan. Pero kung tutuusin sanay naman siya mag-isa. Labing-walong taong gulang pa lang sya ng humiwalay sa poder ng mga magulang upang mag-aral sa Maynila.


Hindi nya kailangan ng kausap o karamay. Kaya nya mabuhay mag-isa. Pero hindi ngayon.


Tinalikuran na ni Ronald ang kalsada at inaninag ang natutulog na esposo. Alam nyang hindi nya kayang magpaalam dito pero susubukan nya. Kasabay ng pagtirik ng bagong kandila ay ang pangakong hindi na muling iibig pa.